by Josh Greenberger

Due to increased fuel costs, airlines have been forced to cut back on some amenities, and charge for some services traditionally included in airfare. In addition to some of these changes, this list also includes some changes which, I have from reliable sources, are sure to follow.

* $15 each way for the first checked bag, $25 each way for the second checked bag.

* $25 for x-raying the first bag, $35 for x-raying each additional bag.

* $10 surcharge for x-raying bags over 2 feet in height (since more electrons are used in the process).

* $10 for copies of your bags' x-rays.

* $50 to have your bags' x-rays framed.

* $10 surcharge to have your bags' x-rays touched up so your clothes look more expensive.

* $50 penalty for leaning on the person next to you. If you know the person next to you, the penalty will be waved but you'll be charged a $50 fee. What's the difference? One's a penalty, the other one's a fee.

* Since much fuel is consumed during takeoff and landing, there will be a $50 landing fee.

* Those who opt out of the landing fee will have the option to purchase a parachute for $500. Experienced skydivers will have the additional option of renting the parachute for $25.

* $100 for little pet parachutes.

* Families will be able to save by jumping together with one super-sized parachute.

* $8 for peanuts in velcro-covered bags so they don't float away before you pull the ripcord.

* Passengers who miss the airport parachute landing area will be charged $75 to get back into the airport.

* Passengers who's luggage is lost due to the gross negligence of the airline, will get a free set of x-rays of their luggage so they can at least remember what their luggage looked like.

* After some modifications to plane hatches, all connecting flights will be done in midair, space-shuttle style. All those afraid of heights will be given neck braces to keep their heads facing up toward the constellation Cepheus. Why Cepheus? That's an extra $10.
* No longer will waiting in a terminal building, after being canceled or delayed, be free of charge. Sitting will be ten cents a minutes. Standing will be three cents a minute. Bending over forward will incur a surcharge of 75 cents. Bending over backwards will get you arrested as a suspected terrorist -- there's just no reason for anyone to bend over backwards.

Will all this improve safety and performance? Probably not. But the exra money will go toward other improvements which will help cut expenses even further. For example, every cockpit will be equipped with a bar to cut down on the time wasted waiting for pilots to return to their planes.

by Josh Greenberger